How do you accept yourself?
How do you find yourself?
Why is it when you truly find and accept yourself things start to just flow?
This post is based off my sexuality, which as you may have guessed is homosexuality. When I first realized I was gay, I was 6 in Pre-K and had a bit more of a “crush” on another student. All the feelings came up and in that moment I knew that I was totally and completely a homosexual. It scared me. I knew it wasn’t accepted, so I pushed it back down as fast as it came up. Then it disappeared for about 15 years. It resurfaced in a moment of crisis when I was about 19.
I was suffering, and suffering hard, life was bleak and hopeless, I couldn’t think. So I walked into my Mom’s room and just laid out across her bed. And in some cosmic way, a message came through, “I am Gay, and I am a woman.”
I became free. I knew this is what I have been searching for my entire life. This feeling, this awareness, this state of being, this vibration, always on the edge of it, ripping it out of people, not realizing that I was that feeling. I was GAY! I was FREE!
Well for about 20 minutes, then came the issue of well how do I come out? I was too afraid to speak up. I tried to go to my parents and tell them, but I just couldn’t. So now I knew who I was but I was still hiding, hiding myself from others. Protecting my deep dark secret.
Eventually I came out to my best friend Sam, she was a girl, and it was hard, I wanted to cry, I was shaking, I could feel my true essence and power coming up from deep down in my spine. But then I said it, “So, Sam, I am Gay.” I think for a moment I accepted myself, then it passed. But it felt good, I didn’t have to hide anymore, at least to one friend.
Now the real problem that I had to solve was to come out to my guy friends where being homosexual was frowned upon, although I may be wrong here. But we made fun of Gays, we called losers homos and fags, and now I was a homo and a fag.
I fought so hard to keep myself a secret, I still do, I’m not totally out. So I stopped hanging out with those guy friends because they became mean and rude, and borderline abusive, at least emotionally.
So new friends, but same pattern, love to hate, I imagine it had something to do with me not accepting myself and becoming the true me, the guy flirty me. I can’t help it, I just say stuff, and alot of what I have to say is weird and Gay.
Anyways it took another moment of crisis before I made a post on Social Media telling everyone I was gay. A friend of mine did it and his post went viral within our circle. So I thought here we go, time to tell everyone and win! FLOP
I think I got 6 likes, no one believed me. They thought I was kidding, and I guess no one cared, or they did care but I can be so awkward that it’s difficult to communicate with me.
Anyways this fight has been going on for years. Trying to get people to accept and understand me, when in reality I was the one who had to love and accept myself.
Eventually after talking to a gay friend of mine and realizing how amazing he made me feel, I just surrendered, I’m not a Casanova, I’m not a pick up artist. I’m a gay man, I like girls, but only to the extent of how good they can make me feel without sex. I don’t like to have sex with girls, I think it’s weird and gross.
Anyways let’s go back to the first question, how do you accept yourself?
My answer, you’ll know, you know who you are. You know what you like and dislike. It’s terrifying to accept who you truly are, but once you do, you are free. At least temporarily, at least you get some room to breathe. Tell people who you are, awaken that essence, and be it, it’s scary at first, but once you get into it, it’s like going home and totally natural.
I think part of accepting yourself is accepting your desires. You want something, I guess that’s a good thing, why not live a life that you enjoy? Why not enjoy the life you live? Why not go after what you want and be optimistic?
Anyways the next question:
How do you find yourself?
The best analogy I can give is something like this, explore. Isolating yourself in your house all day is very easy and very dangerous. You can drive yourself insane trying to figure out the Universe with all these different beliefs. And shit, we have the internet, we are 4 clicks away from a new belief system.
Some thing I read in a book on the Fourth Way was that the only true way to change yourself was to be with another person. I don’t mean romantically, I just mean, you are who you hang out with. You literally become who you hang out with. It’s an amazing principle, try it and hang out with different people and see what happens internally. For some reason you can make those changes that take weeks and do them in seconds. It’s absolutely fascinating.
It’s scary to make the step outside the house, but look I’m not going to coddle you and tell everything will be alright, I’m going to try to offend you and make you realize how shitty your life is so that way you feel the pain and the pain drives you to make a change.
That’s how I did it, the pain of sitting alone in my house another night by myself was too much for me, so I decided to just start texting people, which then led to me going to a bar, which led to making friends and ultimately a new belief system and new changes, and optimism. Interesting stuff.
I think you find yourself after you’ve sampled lot’s of different people, not so much knowledge and books, but people, they have a stronger affect on you.
As for my last question as to finding yourself and things flowing.
I don’t know why that happens, I imagine it has something to do with resistance and focus, what you resist, persists. It’s true. I guess there are laws to the Universe, I guess the Great Fiduciary has rules, and you can choose to struggle and hide, or you can choose to be free. Up to you.
If I could go back 4 years and give myself advice it would be, “get to where you want to be emotionally, mentally, as fast as you can” “Don’t waste your time”. Try everything, do it quickly, find the niche then go beyond.
I would like to recommend you something that has the potential to change your life. Reiki Healing is an amazingly simple way to heal mental, emotional, and physical wounds. I’ve used to heal myself constantly, I’ve used it to heal others, it works. The technique is very simple, and you just have to try it and experience it, once you have you will realize how amazing it is. Everyone has the power to heal themselves, and I won’t be surprised if you are in some type of deep pain, do the healing technique and calm down and feel better, physically, mentally, emotionally. It is an amazing super power that I want the world to know about.
So if you feel up to it, I will leave a link below where you can learn the amazing powers of Reiki Healing.
Namaste my friends.